First things first – this is not a blog about criticising partners! Parenting is a team effort, and this is about looking honestly at your current situation, understanding why things might feel harder than they should, and finding ways to make life a little easier for everyone.
In our experience, when one partner struggles to settle their baby or child, it usually comes down to one of two reasons:
Reason 1: They can’t.
Reason 2: They won’t.
Let’s explore both.
The “They Can’t” Camp.
From a very young age, babies form associations with how they fall asleep. These sleep onset associations (which we’ve written about in other blogs) play a big role in how your child settles to sleep and with who.
In many households, one parent naturally becomes the primary caregiver – usually the one who spends more time with the baby during the day. This parent ends up doing the majority of the settling, which means two things:
They’ve had more practice. Like anything in parenting, practice builds confidence.
The baby gets used to it. Babies learn to expect that same parent for comfort, which can make them resist when the other parent steps in to help.
This can leave one parent feeling like they are always “on duty” while the other feels “redundant” in the background.
What helps?
Start small, and build over time. Choose one or two opportunities a day where the less practiced parent takes the lead – a nap, bedtime, or even a night waking. Make it clear that this is their opportunity to do so and support them in gaining confidence. Try your best not to intervene as if you swoop in to rescue them, you are reinforcing behaviour, sleep related or otherwise, and this means it is more likely to recur. Whilst your child is given the chance to adjust, take yourself away from the situation, have a bath, dead head the roses or go for a walk to distract yourself.
This same approach works for older children who only want one parent at bedtime. Start by doing it together and gradually fade back your presence. Once your child has adjusted to this, use a “first this, then that” approach.
First, Daddy takes you to the bath. Then, Mummy reads a bedtime story. Then, Daddy says goodnight.
This builds tolerance, reduces the sense of “only one parent can do it,” and helps your child feel equally secure with both of you.
The “They Won’t” Camp.
Sometimes the issue isn’t ability, but willingness. If your partner doesn’t want to take on settling duties, the first step is to explore why. In some families, one parent isn’t as aware of the impact of frequent night wakings – especially if they’re sleeping in another room and aren’t being woken up. If this sounds familiar, have an honest conversation. Share not just how often your child is waking, but also how the lack of sleep is affecting you emotionally, mentally and physically.
If that doesn’t shift things, it may help to step back entirely for a short while — perhaps by arranging a night or two away and leaving your partner fully in charge. Experiencing it firsthand often sparks empathy and motivation! Humour aside, lasting change comes from teamwork. Agree to commit to a manageable timeframe to try new strategies, then reassess together. Progress – even small improvements – can make the process feel worthwhile and keep both of you motivated.
As always our three c’s to success are;
Remain calm, be confident in your response and stay consistent
If you want us to help with settling your child, be it for daytime naps, bedtime or night time wakings, we offer a range of different consultation packages. You can find out more here – we’d love to hear from you!
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