The Guardian published an article about the rise of FAFO parenting. For those of you who are unfamiliar with this harsh sounding term, it stands for ‘f*@k around and find out’. A video of a mother throwing her child’s iPad out of the car window went viral with one person commenting, “Learning Fafo at an early age: top tier parenting.” What this video really reveals is that a parent reached her limit and in becoming dysregulated, reinforced this behaviour to her already dysregulated child.
As Psychologist Dr Emma Svanberg says, “Children don’t just learn from consequences, they learn from how adults stay present with them through those consequences. If FAFO becomes emotionally hands-off – ‘you’ll learn the hard way, I’m not getting involved’ – children may internalise shame, feel unsupported or struggle to make sense of experiences developmentally beyond their capacity. The risk isn’t independence, it’s emotional isolation and shame.”
Polarising parenting positions
Given the popularity of polarising parenting positions, the recent rise of FAFO seems to be a pendulum swing away from gentle parenting which is often confused with permissive parenting. The misinterpretation of the term gentle parenting has been blamed on generational societal issues but perhaps more concerningly, places the burden of responsibility onto capacity stretched mothers to turn every parenting moment into a child centred opportunity to teach, remain tender at all times and be patient.
As the article writes, “But this is online-influenced child rearing, where extremes are pushed, nuance is out and polarisation is in.” As sleep consultants, we regularly see the pendulum swing from parents who have expended huge amounts of effort parenting in a child centred way and have then realised that they don’t have the support or scaffolding in place to continue to implement it. To make matters worse, they’re physically exhausted from being up multiple times each night so are not getting the opportunity to recharge their depleted reserves. Whilst the logical part of their brains know that a well rested family is a happy one, parents are scared about making changes for fear of causing damage having absorbed guilt provoking parenting content that oversimplifies complex decisions. As Prof Ellie Lee states, “There’s been a ramping-up of demands which say to mothers, in particular, that you’ve got to spend more time with your children, otherwise you’re going to screw them up and society is going to fail.” Another nail in the coffin for the generation who were told you can be anything and mistook that for you should be everything…to everyone…all of the time. Those mothers reach their tipping point – snap – and then unsurprisingly, throw an iPad out of a car window.
Aiming for somewhere in the middle
Given how much time we all spend online, how do we learn to ignore the extremes and aim for somewhere in the moderate middle? By understanding the tension created in holding opposing thoughts at the same time.
This looks like;
- Remembering that polarisation is a tactic which creates division and therefore good online content.
- I don’t want my child to be upset during sleep training but our current situation is not sustainable. Getting support with this will make it more manageable for me.
- Disciplining my child can create internal tension over how I was raised.
- Perfection is an unrealistic standard and good enough, most of the time is a fantastic, realistic position to aim for.
- What works for my family may not work for someone else’s and that is ok.
For our children, this looks like;
- Feelings matter but feelings don’t dictate the outcome.
- When you are upset, I will be there to support you. But also, refer to previous point!
- Teaching moments should be age and developmentally appropriate.
- Boundaries make children feel safe. It is ok for them to push against them.
- Resistance in behaviour is communication. Meeting their sleep needs is always a fantastic base to build from.
If we want resilient children, we need regulated adults – not parents trapped between shame and extremes.
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